As part of my coach training and training as a coach, having some form of a regular reflective practice is super helpful. Every coaching session is unique, even the ones with the same person. Reflecting on how things went, seeking feedback and taking notes on what to further enhance or dial down helps continually enrich the skill. This is part of embodying a coaching mindset and identity - the openness and willingness to learn, unlearn and relearn.
Recently, I completed 100 hours of coaching experience which called for a broader reflective practice to look back at what were the things I have been focussing on learning and unlearning. In this article, I share the top three things I have had to unlearn as they were ingrained in me from past habits and experiences, shaping the way I showed up.
"Learning requires the humility to admit what you don't know today. Unlearning requires the integrity to admit that you were wrong yesterday," - Adam Grant.
Unlearned #1 Problem Solving:
Problem solving is is a strength of mine that I have become known for in the past. People would come to me to resolve escalations, improve processes, fix broken workflows and so on. During my coach training in Sydney in my very first coaching conversations as a coach, the problem solving part of my brain was alert and switched on. It was constantly thinking - what's the next smart question I can ask to get the person to think of the obvious solution - which is obviously based on my own experiences.
Coaching is not a problem to be solved. A coach is a thinking partner, helping the person figure out for themselves the why, what, when and how. It's helping the person problem solve for themselves in ways that are meaningful for them based on their experiences, values, interests and goals.
While I'm good at problem solving, it's a strength of mine that I've had to consciously dial down when I'm coaching people because it's not about me. The person being coached is the subject matter expert and it's me helping them problem solve in their ways, not based on my own experiences. Of course my experiences help me in relating to the person, showing empathy and genuine appreciation for what they are going through and aspiring for.
Unlearned #2 Leading Questions:
In the past when I led a meeting, I would have a super clear agenda and well prepared power point slides. So after every slide, you know there's another slide with a message or purpose. There's a direction, there's an intention - everything to help get the outcomes that we needed to achieve in that meeting.
Now in the context of coaching, there's only so much I can be prepared for. It's also better to not be prepared before because you can't prepare for what's going to come up in a coaching conversation as it's really spontaneous and in the moment. The agenda and outcomes to be achieved are defined by the coachee and most of that actually happens during the coaching conversation itself.
When I started coaching, one thing I realised was a learned behaviour from the past is asking leading questions - things like "what about if you did that?" or "have you considered doing such and such?". When I ask leading questions, it's coming from my own experience or from where I think they should be going to and that's not the point of coaching. The point of coaching is to keep my questioning open to help the coachee explore where THEY think they should be going next. So asking leading questions is something I've had to consciously unlearn.
Unlearned #3 Filling Silence:
The third thing I have had to unlearn is the need, the temptation to fill silence. Yes, there's moments of silence in a coaching conversation and in the early days it would make me feel uncomfortable. I would think I needed to ask another question or repeat what the coachee said. And then later on, it was just a lot of ah ha, um hm... But I just had to shut up. I just had to get comfortable with silence.
There's this acronym my coach training instructor used which is basically W.A.I.T. and stands for "Why am I talking?" or even better, "Why am I thinking?". Because the moments of silence is when the best thinking happens for the coachee, when they get to expand their thinking. The way I can do them justice during that time is literally by keeping my mouth shut. Not just not talking, but it's also not thinking about what's the next smart question I can ask. I just need to wait and then see what the coachee has come up with. Have they had an insight? Have they had another reflection to expand upon? Waiting firstly but more importantly waiting without preparing during that time is how I can make the most of that silence.
Unlearning has been the most important part of my journey as a coach. It feels liberating to let go of what served me well in the past, allowing space to practice new habits and build new skills. Stay tuned for the next edition where I go into the top three things I learned!
💭 What skill are you wanting to learn or improve?
💭 What past habits are holding you back from new learnings?
💭 What do you need to unlearn and let go of?
Hello👋🏽 Thank you for reading this far! I'm Anne, passionate about helping people grow and get addicted to living outside their comfort zone for what matters to them. I do this through coaching, sharing thoughts and most importantly leading by example in my own life. 🌱
Feeling ready to take courageous steps toward your WHAT-IFS? ✨ Reach out for a chemistry check and to see if coaching is the right fit for you: anne@unhiddenpotential.com.